Howdy little fella. I have t talked to you for a while. I probably should talk to you more often but you are so special to me that I sometimes feel regular everyday type stuff is not what I need to share with you. I am wrong on that! If you were here I would be sharing every single everyday type thought, feeling and concern with you....and daily love and confirmation. If I talk to you more often then maybe I will never find myself where Mohawk found himself.....
Who is Mohawk? He was a very dear friend of mine, and of many others. I (we) lost him this week. He made a choice that I can't understand and I have kept the reality at arms length for several days now. I can't do that anymore. His death is real. The way he died is real. There is no one to blame and I am not angry at him anymore. I understand where he was because I have been in that dark place myself. I thank God that my options were different - though it didn't feel like that at the time. It was just my choices that were different......again I thank God because it wasn't always me making that decision - it was Him! Or maybe me with his guidance?
Knowing that desperate state of mind, I can only feel sorrow now. I am sad that he did not feel he could trust his friends enough to contact one of us. I would have listened! I would have held him, cried with him, done the brain scramble with him or what ever he needed to get past that point of no hope. He never called. He took it all by himself. I am sure he asked God why but I don't think he listened for God's answer or recognized God's directions for him.....or he misunderstood them.
I know that he felt no one understood or loved him at that moment but we all did....we would have told him so if he had only given us the chance! Depression is a horrible thing and when you feel like the bottom just fell out of your world it is hard to hang on long enough for someone to reach you....I know that feeling!
Especially when you are alone and no one knows how confused, how lost and desperate you feel.
People think that just because you are not isolating yourself that someone should notice. We all think we should have noticed. Often we do but our own lives prohibit our involvement to the extent the other person may need....or we just aren't in the right place when we are needed. Mohawk was alone on that road in the night....alone with his God - but more so alone with his despair and confusion. I can't blame him for his choice to take his own life....but I will always wish that he had chosen not to.
You know that I have been in that place before. I have blamed myself for whatever went wrong all my life. I even blamed myself for you disappearing. Are those the thoughts of someone with a rational mind at that moment? Of course not - but that is what depression can do. Rationality doesn't stand a chance against pain, fear or depressive thoughts that turn in to destructive behavior.
I will always wonder. I think we all will always wonder if we could have made a difference. I can't stay stuck on that thought or it will feed my own depression and I don't need that! That was why I started my conversations with you in the beginning. They became a way for me to express my thoughts without falling apart. A way to express my desperation in a safe way for me. I would tell you this in person but you are still "lost" and so I write to you.
This week I lost a friend. A very dear friend and I am saddened but no longer angry. God did not take him from us. Mohawk chose to go on his own. I so wish he hadn't. I wish he had put it all in God's hands and waited for His guidance.....but Mohawk didn't and all I can be now is greatly saddened and work to forgive him. I think I can do that.....because I understand where he was, even if I do not agree with his choice in the matter.
This week I lost a friend. I still love my friend. I am no longer angry with my friend - just with his choice to leave this world. He will be greatly missed and lovingly remembered for all the wonderful things about him! His smile, his laugh, his devotion and dedication; his caring for his friends; how he supported others; for all the wonderful memories he made with so many!
Mohawk - Please Rest in Peace now! rest in peace now